i can feel my insides crumble as the days go by...
i can feel my heart pound with every thought of you...
one word is all i need to set me off...
one word, one name, just one and i'm back on the ground again,
and i can't get back up.

every passing day hurts, knowing that we may never fix this, thinking that this is really it, the end of us. i try to keep positive, but it's hard when all i can think about is how we used to be. i miss it, i miss how happy we were, i miss everything about us. i miss you so much it fucking kills me inside. i don't want to avoid you 'cause i know that'll just push my heart over the edge. i just want another try. my love for you is neverending. i can't stop it, and i can't hide the fact that i miss you and want you back. i try to, but i can't... you just can't see that. maybe you choose not to. damn, i wish you would just think about everything and ask yourself if this is really what's suppose to happen? is this really how things are gunna be?

i love you more than anything in the world...
& i miss the love that we shared, we were soo happy..

broken into even smaller pieces...

back. still broken hearted. still clueless as what to do. when i think i've got the answer, something happens that proves me wrong. now i literally feel my heart beginning to break. honestly. i feel the pain, and it hurts, literally.

no matter what i do it will always feel like a lose-lose situation for me. i'll try to do what he wants and try to move on, but he gets all mopey. i mean come on, i don't know what else to do. it's like no matter what i do i'll always loose. and i always do. i fail at this relationship stuff, and right when i think i'll never find love again he comes into my life and changes it completely. now it's gone and i'm back at that deathly and hollow place.

i saw i'm not ready for a relationship again, and i sort of mean that. i mean i don't think i'll be with anyone anytime soon unless another handsome prince on a horse somehow appears at my front door. which is just as likely as me keeping a relationship going. everytime things are great, it ends just like that. like i'm not meant to feel love or be loved. sure my friends love me, but you know what i mean. i thought i found true love & i still feel that i did, its just gone now & i'm back to being the 7th grade me who hated life and everything sucked. i wanna meet one person, who will listen to me and not judge, who will smile at me even though everything's falling apart, who will be there when i need him. someone willing to take the chance and try no matter what.

only thing wrong with that is that guys like that are hard to find. i mean i found one just like that but he's gone now. i didn't know what to do then, and i don't know what to do now. i have friends it's true, but there' s still something missing. i guess i'll have to learn to be happy without a boy. it's just so hard to let go of the best thing in the world you've ever had, you know?...

karma came back to me & made me pay for everything i put you through.

you deserve to be happy & i hope you will be.
i really don't know what to say more,
just don't expect things to be like before,
& as long as you're happy then everything's good.

-stupid me.

i lack sleep. in much need of an attitude adjustment. light-headed, woozy, out there. essays are way overrated. they should be banned from the face of the universe. can't think straight, can't focus. ADD much? a little bit. needa eat more squash to stregthen my eye-sight. can't see clearly anymore. needa eat something for my memory. something to help you with it, make it stronger, better, something. getting sleepier by the minute. can't concentrate on essay. wanna sleep.

great day. i'm on yahoo news. read it find my name if you know me: http://news.yahoo.com/s/oneworld/20090909/w l_oneworld/world366626125 2529348" title="http://news.yahoo.com/s/oneworld/20090909/w l_oneworld/world366626125 2529348" target="_blank"http://news.yahoo.com/s/onewo...

the initials are MM. *sighh. cold with numb feet. needa sleep, another visit to the oral surgeon tomorrow. hope i don't need the meds anymore. i skipped 4 doses total. fell asleep through most of my 12am ones. *sighh

hanging out with your boyfriend is awesome. loved it, love it still, wish he didn't have to leave. i miss him already. =/

school dances should be banned as well. i detest them now. can't say why, don't understand it myself. hate the words 'postulate' and 'whatever'. hate stairs going up and down. makes me sick. yuckk. too overrated.

7th grade me is back. always pessimistic and her catch phrase is "life sucks!" idk why i'm back down that road, it just appeared in front of me and off i'm on it. sad really. can't help it. can't help but be so negative about mostly everything. once in a while. i smile at certain things, i hope at certain situations. but by the end of the day, life is pretty much suckish. bare with me, people. let me get throught this phase on my own time. just be patient. if you can't do that, then oh wells, for me, right?

needa focus on essay. needa brush teeth, needa drink water and pee. needa stop being so pessimistic. needa get rid of 7th grade me. hated her! need a heart transplant, apparently i can no longer fully trust this current one. it got me into so much trouble last year and deeper shit this year. i'm walking on a really thin rope here with you. if you're reading this, you know who you are. i need to focus and not screw this up. this is my last chance. can't fail this one. can't loose this one...

XO, Dweetiex3

here i am, back form my shower. *sighh. kind of tired, barely realizing i could be reading right about now, but i'm helping my brother study for his vocab test.
*sighh.
i know i said i'd be updating this blog, but after everything, i feel like it's way too private to post up here. not like anyone reads this or would care to if they find out. i'm just not that interesting when it comes to audiences.
*sighh.
my brain's racked up with all sorts of thoughts right now. past should really be past, and one day i'll reach a point in my life where i can truthfully and whole-heartedly state that "past is past. let's not go back there," and not re-analize whether i really mean it or i'm just saying.
*sighh.
my book's going nowhere by the way, kind of lost track of it, and i have less time to focud on it fully. i wish when i write it would sound good enough not to redo 50 zillion times and end up where you started, yah know?
*sighh.
my neck is cramped. i want a neck rub, but not in the sexual way. just a simple, relaxing, stress-relieving neck rub. can't get those around much anymore. not without one person getting too into it and end up knocking someone up, or getting knocked up.
*sighh.
my eyes are getting heavy. i should sleep now, i have math in the morning. way too early for numbers. pre-cal followed by chem. yay, more numbers, *she says sarcastically* junior year bites. i'd rather be a freshmen forever. minus the freshmen fifteen, wish was more like 25 in my case.
*sighh.
i'll end here for tonight. not so much an update as is it an obituary for my pathetic life. i'm on my period, so sue me for being a little too monotonously and verbally vicious about everything.

goodnight to whomever happens to read this.

XO, Dweetiex3

everyone seems to be too busy to talk to me, so i'll just blog. i haven't done this for quite a time & it's about time to update my life.

i don't really know where to begin or how to begin, at that. life'd been throwing a quantity of situations at me. seems like it's mostly school related, or something that happened IN school.
*sighhh.
my word of the week, it seemed. hmm, maybe i should shower first, and blog later...
completely forgot about that. so i'll end this one here & shower now. BBL.

i can't really say anything else, but the fact that it hurts.
it hurts so bad to hurt the one you care about the most.
the one you love w/ all ur heart & the one that's meant for you.
but it hurts.
for you and for them.

i've dug a whole deeper then i can eve get myself out off...